"An affair is a symptom of a bad marriage."

Simply unbelievable words spoken by a man whose wife had just admitted infidelity.  He had confronted her, and after first denying the affair, she reluctantly admitted her transgression.  Then he spoke those words, and apologized for not being there for her and giving her what she needed.  

Their relationship wasn't instantly saved.  She felt as though she didn't deserve his forgiveness and grace.  She didn't deserve another chance.  She didn't deserve to stay with him, to rebuild what she had torn down through her transgressions.  She had been a stay at home, homeschooling mom for years, involved in church and a popular online ministry.  She was burned out and needed a break, and that's when Satan crept in.  One conversation and text at a time, she entered an adulterous affair with a family friend.  

When her husband found out, his reaction was not at all what she expected.  But that's the nature of the grace of God, the heart of the Gospel and the picture of the love of Jesus Christ.  She accepted the forgiveness and grace of her husband, and of the Lord, and they worked to rebuild their marriage.  Her name is Darlene Schacht, and you can find her blogging at The Time Warp Wife.  

Her story is unbelievable to so many of us.  Unbelievable in a modern day where divorce is accepted for much less serious reasons.  Unbelievable in a Biblical context where Christians are permitted and excused by God to divorce in cases of infidelity.  Unbelievable in a time when divorce among Christians is as a prevalent as divorce among the rest of society. 

Marriage is a picture of Jesus' relationship with us, the church.  And it stands to reason that the institution of marriage would be under attack.  And it is.  I {Alayna} know too many friends who have followed Christ, and yet their marriages have crumbled and failed due to addiction, infidelity, harsh words, and neglect.  

I, personally, am heartbroken by stories of divorce.  Divorce is a terrible thing within our culture, with children suffering most of the fallout.  Divorce breaks my heart, but for those who do not profess Christ, it's just one more result of our sinful nature, one that I shouldn't really be surprised about.  But divorce in the church, among those who follow Jesus, should be different. 

If marriage is a picture of God's relationship with the church, then our marriages are a chance to show the world how God relates to us.  It's a chance to show forgiveness, sacrificial love and even extravagant, unbelievable, and even offensive grace.  God's grace, sacrificial love and forgiveness is offensive to many.  The simple idea that He would forgive a serial killer on his deathbed if only he asks, is offensive.   And the idea that a believing spouse would forgive and choose to even accept some part of the blame for an adulterous affair, is also offensive and ridiculous love and grace.  

Imagine if our marriages were known for this kind of offensive grace.  It's truly unfathomable.  If sacrificial love replaced a "me first" kind of attitude?  If we were always quick to resolve conflict, to put our spouse first, to choose to love our spouses, on good days and bad days?  To choose love and forgiveness even when it costs us our pride and image?  To forgive, when it's inconvenient or we don't really want to, or even when others say we don't have to?  It's a tall order, and maybe I'm expecting too much from us, the followers of Christ.  Maybe I am crazy to think that in marriage, Christians should work through all things, even perhaps infidelity?  

Maybe I am, but imagine the impact on a watching and waiting world if we had offensive grace and forgiveness in our marriages...  

I think it would be huge.  

So what can we do?  Even if there isn't infidelity to forgive, there are a multitude of chances day in and day out to serve and bless your spouse.  Speak kind words (Eph 4:32).  Go out of your way to show them that you love and appreciate them.  Hug and kiss your spouse every time you part.  Don't go to bed angry (Eph 4:26-27).  Ask for forgiveness.  Grant forgiveness (Eph 4:32).  Pray for each other and with each other.   Love like Jesus - sacrificially.  Be truthful.  Be encouraging (Eph 4:29).  Have lots of sex (it's part of marriage! I Cor 7:3-4).  Write him love notes or get her flowers.  Go out for a regular date night.  Talk - a lot.  Work through the tough spots and get professional help if you need it. 
If an affair is truly the symptom of a bad marriage, then do what it takes to have a good or even great marriage.  Cultivate the garden of your marriage.  The grass may look greener over there, but the best option is to water your own grass so that it's lush and flourishing.  

There are many opportunities to cultivate a better marriage, here are just a few local resources to help you:

Twogether Pittsburgh - the area's most comprehensive marriage support initiative

A Weekend to Remember - a marriage getaway providing marriage-changing principles with two local events coming up soon!
     Monroeville - 11/15-11/17
     Cranberry Township - 11/8-11/10
There are a few other events that Family Life offers for marriage found here. 

Check with your church for marriage classes, seminars or weekend getaways.  

Here is also a list of couples' devotionals: 

·  Night Light: A Devotional For Couples – James and Shirley Dobson
·  Devotions For A Sacred Marriage – Gary Thomas
·  The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional – Gary Chapman
·  The One Year Devotions For Couples – David and Teresa Ferguson
·  The Love Dare: Day By Day – Stephen Kendrick and Alex Kendrick
·  Heirs Together Of Life: Daily Bible Readings For Husbands And Wives – Charles and Norma Ellis
·  Becoming Soul Mates: 52 Meditations To Bring Joy To Your Marriage – Les and Leslie Parrott
·  Moments Together For Couples: Devotions For Drawing Near To God And One Another – Dennis and Barbara Rainey

I {Lindsey} am being put to the test. Life is pushing me further and further and I am feeling my self inch closer to a tantrum type response. I want to stomp my feet and yell "Seriously God!!!!".  Yet the core of my being, the whispering of the Spirit is urging me to push forward and to handle my anger with a Godly approach. This does not mean that I can't be angry, it doesn't even mean that I can't say "Seriously, God?", but it does mean that I need to keep in mind who it is I serve.

Today, my kids were truly disappointed and angry that we did not go to the pool as I said we would if they cleaned up the room. However, as mom I was able to look at the big picture of our hotel room and see that my children chose to do the bare minimum. They picked up a few big things and figured mom would be happy, but beyond our room today I saw the need to instill a good work ethic, an understanding of completing a job to the best of ones abilities not just to the minimum requirement. I understand that this is a big part of growing up and becoming a responsible adult. It is my job and my responsibility to teach them these things even if the consequences make them angry at the time. They on the other hand have zero concept of what it means to be an adult, of what a real job entails, or what a boss is looking for when hiring an employee. They do not understand why the lesson they learned today that caused them to be angry was important. 

In this same way, I too am often unaware of what lessons I am learning at that time and why I am learning them. My God though, he knows. He knows I won't always be happy with the refining, the pruning, and He is willing to walk with me through it. If I can keep this in mind it will be much easier to keep myself from crossing that line from composed anger to a childhood tantrum.

Thank you for listening to me vent. I would love to hear how you help to keep in check your anger during times of trial so that you don't cross from anger to tantrum. Please feel free to share in the comments. Your support and development of this community of deliberate women is such a wonderful encouragement.

As we flew to Colombia to meet our girls for the first time, I (Ginny) sat in the airplane, nervously holding my husband’s hand, dreaming about my family’s future.  I dreamed of dance classes, trips to the zoo, and of their weddings.  But I also dreamed about the women they would grow up to be.  And I wanted most of all for them to grow up to be women earnestly seeking the Lord with all of their hearts.  But how could I foster that passion for the Lord in them?

To be honest, the first couple of years, I did a poor job of this.   I was in survival mode, shocked by how HARD the post-adoption process was, and desperately trying to navigate the road of being a parent of children with special needs.  The last thought, unfortunately, on my mind, was what I needed to do most – spending DAILY quality time in God’s Word WITH my children.  I made it less of a priority than it should have been.

Recently, I attended a Women Living Well conference, and there, I was challenged by one of the speakers, Angela Perritt, to invite my children into my daily time with the Lord.  (A lot of the ideas I will be sharing are from what I learned from her and the other speakers that day)  Yes, it is important to have my own time to meditate on the word, but how would my children grow up making time with God a priority if I didn’t spend time teaching them NOW to do that?  I needed to be a role model as well as extend the invitation to study God’s Word.

Soon after returning from the conference, I started small by reading a Bible story to my children from their toddler Bible at breakfast time.  Soon, they began to remind me, when I forgot, to read them a story.  It became a positive time for them that we all looked forward to.

I still felt convicted to take a step further, and I added my own personal Bible time to the busy mornings.  At breakfast, I read them a story from their Bible, but in addition, I opened up my own Bible and read a portion of Scripture to them.  I had them repeat some of the words in the verses.  I then talked out loud about my thoughts about the verse and its application to my life.  Even though they cannot understand everything I read or say, I know that they can see this is a special time that is important to me. 

After we talk, I open my journal and write about applications, favorite verses, prayers on my heart, and even simple entries about what happened the day before.  The girls often leave the table around this time.  As we progress though, I plan to make that a time where they journal by coloring in a Bible picture that goes with what we read, drawing their own pictures, and eventually writing out their thoughts.

My next step is to incorporate a prayer time into our morning where we pray as a family for the day, for worries or fears we have, etc. 

I encourage you, dear friends, to find a way to model your walk with the Lord with your own children.  If you don’t have a daily walk, start there.  Open your Bible in the mornings.  If your children walk in while you are having your study time, invite them to sit with you, talk with them about things you are learning.  Share a verse with them.  By investing this time with them, you will be investing in their spiritual futures.  This time will be a natural part of their day.  And by making it a positive experience, it will be something they will want to continue even when they part from your home.

If you are having trouble with where to get started or what to do, I have created a small list of ideas to help you:

·          In the mornings, to set the mood, play Christian praise music as you get ready for the day and prepare breakfast.  It is difficult to be negative when God’s promises are streaming through the air!

·         Set your Bible in a place where you can’t miss it in the morning.   My children know where I keep my Bible and journal, and they will even bring it to me if I forget!

·         With my children, I don’t have a specific Bible study book I go through yet.  I love reading their toddler Bible to them (or an age appropriate Bible).  Just a story or two is all they need.  Be prepared though.  Sometimes my children will keep asking for more, and we end up reading half of their toddler Bible in one sitting!  You can also find wonderful children studies on the web.  One that has recently caught my attention is The Dig for Kids:  www.thedigforkids.com.

·         Good Morning Girls has a wonderful method of study to teach your children.  It is called the SOAP method, and you can read more about it here:  http://www.goodmorninggirls.org/2012/09/how-to-soap-your-quiet-time/. They also have fantastic studies you can follow by yourself or with a small group.

·         If you would like to incorporate Scripture memory to your time, remember to pick verses that are appropriate in length and content for your child’s age.  Pick a verse for the week, write it on index cards, and recite it each day with your kids.  Talk with them about what it means. Make up a song to go with it and sing it in the car, on the playground, or even while brushing teeth.

·         Talk out loud about your thoughts about your Scripture reading.  Do my children always understand what I am saying?  No – but I am MODELING for them how I think about Scripture, how I respond to Scripture.

·         Include them in your prayers.  Ask them what they are worried about.  Have them prayer for people close  to your family.  Have them pray for their country.  If they are really small, like my children, teach them simple prayers they can say at meal times or bedtimes.  Yes, I eventually want them to personalize their prayers more, but it is a start!

Today, make a plan.  Start small and build from there.   If you want your children to grow up in love with the Lord, they need to see YOUR love for the Lord.  They need to see you model what a relationship with Him looks like.  I know I was amazed at how much they love this time in the Word with me each morning.   Just the other morning, I was so wrapped up in the craziness of life the other day, that I didn’t make time for this special morning ritual with my girls, but my oldest showed me it was important to her.  She went to our island, grabbed my Bible and journal, and brought it to me.  She then asked me to read her the Bible.  Tears welled up in my eyes, and I knew that no matter how insane life can be, this time was not only important to me – but also to my girls.  I pray that I can continue to foster this love for the Lord that has already begun as they grow older through these special morning times.