BUILDING AN OFFENSIVE MARRIAGE

"An affair is a symptom of a bad marriage."

Simply unbelievable words spoken by a man whose wife had just admitted infidelity.  He had confronted her, and after first denying the affair, she reluctantly admitted her transgression.  Then he spoke those words, and apologized for not being there for her and giving her what she needed.  

Their relationship wasn't instantly saved.  She felt as though she didn't deserve his forgiveness and grace.  She didn't deserve another chance.  She didn't deserve to stay with him, to rebuild what she had torn down through her transgressions.  She had been a stay at home, homeschooling mom for years, involved in church and a popular online ministry.  She was burned out and needed a break, and that's when Satan crept in.  One conversation and text at a time, she entered an adulterous affair with a family friend.  

When her husband found out, his reaction was not at all what she expected.  But that's the nature of the grace of God, the heart of the Gospel and the picture of the love of Jesus Christ.  She accepted the forgiveness and grace of her husband, and of the Lord, and they worked to rebuild their marriage.  Her name is Darlene Schacht, and you can find her blogging at The Time Warp Wife.  

Her story is unbelievable to so many of us.  Unbelievable in a modern day where divorce is accepted for much less serious reasons.  Unbelievable in a Biblical context where Christians are permitted and excused by God to divorce in cases of infidelity.  Unbelievable in a time when divorce among Christians is as a prevalent as divorce among the rest of society. 

Marriage is a picture of Jesus' relationship with us, the church.  And it stands to reason that the institution of marriage would be under attack.  And it is.  I {Alayna} know too many friends who have followed Christ, and yet their marriages have crumbled and failed due to addiction, infidelity, harsh words, and neglect.  

I, personally, am heartbroken by stories of divorce.  Divorce is a terrible thing within our culture, with children suffering most of the fallout.  Divorce breaks my heart, but for those who do not profess Christ, it's just one more result of our sinful nature, one that I shouldn't really be surprised about.  But divorce in the church, among those who follow Jesus, should be different. 

If marriage is a picture of God's relationship with the church, then our marriages are a chance to show the world how God relates to us.  It's a chance to show forgiveness, sacrificial love and even extravagant, unbelievable, and even offensive grace.  God's grace, sacrificial love and forgiveness is offensive to many.  The simple idea that He would forgive a serial killer on his deathbed if only he asks, is offensive.   And the idea that a believing spouse would forgive and choose to even accept some part of the blame for an adulterous affair, is also offensive and ridiculous love and grace.  

Imagine if our marriages were known for this kind of offensive grace.  It's truly unfathomable.  If sacrificial love replaced a "me first" kind of attitude?  If we were always quick to resolve conflict, to put our spouse first, to choose to love our spouses, on good days and bad days?  To choose love and forgiveness even when it costs us our pride and image?  To forgive, when it's inconvenient or we don't really want to, or even when others say we don't have to?  It's a tall order, and maybe I'm expecting too much from us, the followers of Christ.  Maybe I am crazy to think that in marriage, Christians should work through all things, even perhaps infidelity?  

Maybe I am, but imagine the impact on a watching and waiting world if we had offensive grace and forgiveness in our marriages...  

I think it would be huge.  

So what can we do?  Even if there isn't infidelity to forgive, there are a multitude of chances day in and day out to serve and bless your spouse.  Speak kind words (Eph 4:32).  Go out of your way to show them that you love and appreciate them.  Hug and kiss your spouse every time you part.  Don't go to bed angry (Eph 4:26-27).  Ask for forgiveness.  Grant forgiveness (Eph 4:32).  Pray for each other and with each other.   Love like Jesus - sacrificially.  Be truthful.  Be encouraging (Eph 4:29).  Have lots of sex (it's part of marriage! I Cor 7:3-4).  Write him love notes or get her flowers.  Go out for a regular date night.  Talk - a lot.  Work through the tough spots and get professional help if you need it. 
If an affair is truly the symptom of a bad marriage, then do what it takes to have a good or even great marriage.  Cultivate the garden of your marriage.  The grass may look greener over there, but the best option is to water your own grass so that it's lush and flourishing.  

There are many opportunities to cultivate a better marriage, here are just a few local resources to help you:

Twogether Pittsburgh - the area's most comprehensive marriage support initiative

A Weekend to Remember - a marriage getaway providing marriage-changing principles with two local events coming up soon!
     Monroeville - 11/15-11/17
     Cranberry Township - 11/8-11/10
There are a few other events that Family Life offers for marriage found here. 

Check with your church for marriage classes, seminars or weekend getaways.  

Here is also a list of couples' devotionals: 

·  Night Light: A Devotional For Couples – James and Shirley Dobson
·  Devotions For A Sacred Marriage – Gary Thomas
·  The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional – Gary Chapman
·  The One Year Devotions For Couples – David and Teresa Ferguson
·  The Love Dare: Day By Day – Stephen Kendrick and Alex Kendrick
·  Heirs Together Of Life: Daily Bible Readings For Husbands And Wives – Charles and Norma Ellis
·  Becoming Soul Mates: 52 Meditations To Bring Joy To Your Marriage – Les and Leslie Parrott
·  Moments Together For Couples: Devotions For Drawing Near To God And One Another – Dennis and Barbara Rainey

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