A little disclaimer: I {Lindsey} wrote this last weekend but we already had a blog post up so I postponed until this week. Hope this might help anyone else who is struggling in this area at this time. Well, my intention was to sit down tonight and work on my weekly devotional post. While I may still do just that I felt God calling me to write out my blog post for this month, so here it goes. I’m not quite sure where this is going but I feel led to talk about my past weekend. My husband has rotating weekends with his job so every six weeks he will have two weekends fall together and it is always on an actual weekend. So this past weekend he had Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday off. A lot went on during those four days that was good, and a lot not so good. Some of the really good was getting to finally spend time with friends and family celebrating the birth of my baby boy Killien. He has been 3 for over a month now, but with the move and having to go back home for the funeral of my husband’s grandmother, His big dinosaur party got put on the back burner for a while. The party was a success, there was just enough for the kids to do that no one was ever bored, and little enough that I never felt rushed or overwhelmed. We had a great time! Another cool thing that happened this weekend was that we finally figured out how we are going to make our chicken coop and realized that we have almost all the supplies we need to do so already here. A lot left by the previous owners and some scraps that we had been saving from one of our last projects. I was thrilled as the first coop we finally agreed upon was going to cost about $500 in supplies plus a lot more building then is required now. That leads me to one of the bad points of this weekend. I never in my entire life thought that one day I would have several arguments with my husband about which chicken coop design we should use and what materials would be best. Its laughable looking back on it, but this argument in combination with the fact that I felt very overwhelmed with work that needed to be done this weekend and very underwhelmed by help from my significant other made for a mostly stressful and I’m glad its finally over kind of weekend. The situation that seems to have started it all occurred Friday evening. We just got back from the store where my 3 year old whined pretty much the whole time, the two big kids were beating the crap out of each other in the back (they both have scratches on their faces to prove it). I went inside and unlocked the doors while my husband grabbed our youngest and brought her in. We had a number of boxes in our living room that needed to be removed before the birthday party the next day so I asked my husband if he wanted to do that now. He said fine. I went and got the keys and carried a box out to the garage and unlocked it. In the mean-time my husband got the two big kids out of the car and into the house (included in there is yelling at them for running into the backyard instead of into the house). Finally, he starts yelling at me about why I didn’t help him get the big kids out of the car. Mind you, I had been carrying boxes out of the house to the garage the whole time. I’m sure my response was not very friendly as any mom of multiple children has had thousands, maybe even millions of experiences with getting all of their kids in and out of the car at one time. My thoughts, looking back were very demeaning so I’m sure my response was the same. I was thinking “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????? I GET THREE KIDS IN AND OUT OF THAT CAR ALL BY MYSELF EVERY TIME I WANT OR NEED TO VENTURE OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!!! AND YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO ASK ME WHY I DIDN’T HELP YOU GET THE TWO BIG ONES WHO ARE COMPLETELY CAPABLE OF WALKING THEMSELVES INSIDE AS LONG AS YOU TAKE THE TIME TO PUT THEIR SHOES BACK ON<----(insert a lot of sarcasm here) SERIOUSLY??” Ok, so you get the picture. Neither side was being very wonderful to the other. Neither party was taking the time to break the cycle of disrespect, sarcasm, and inconsideration that was forming. It is my opinion that unless one party chooses to break the cycle before it begins and say kindly and lovingly “now is not a good time for us to discuss this as we are both upset and going to say things out of anger that we don’t mean” then pretty much every argument has 50/50 share of responsibility. Even if you didn’t start the fight, choosing to participate or choosing to “end” it means you are responsible for completing the circle. Several years ago I read an amazing book while my husband was in Iraq. Its called Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires The Respect He Desperately Needs by Emerson Eggerichs. The book is broken up into three parts, the first being for the couple as a whole, it is called The Crazy Cycle. The second is split into two groups of chapters and is called The Energizing Cycle. The first 7 chapters of part two are aimed towards men and the last 8 chapters are aimed towards women. Finally, the last part is called The Reward Cycle and it is just that. When I read the book I chose to skip the 7 chapters that were telling men how to get right because the whole point of the book is to take responsibility for your own actions and to learn how to stop the cycle instead of pass the buck. It was extremely rewarding. Eggerichs, based the book on one key biblical concept relating to marriage, Ephesians 5:33 “So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” God already created the perfect circle for marriage. In the Garden of Eden before that first sin I would beg to say that there was no beginning and no end of this cycle. The husband had always loved his wife as himself and the wife had always respected her husband. Now, in this sinful world it is and always will be a struggle. We have to pay close attention to the way in which we treat each other. The Crazy Cycle is one that we allow to happen and it is one that often stems from our own fears; fears of rejection, fears of losing respect from those we most desire it. I desire to get back to the kind of communication I had with my husband 4 years ago as I was reading this book. I am not saying it's the end-all-be-all to marriage instruction, but it was an excellent tool that really made me feel like I was speaking my husband's language after a long period of feeling like I had just been dropped onto a planet of aliens. I am going to start rereading this book (along with my regular devotionals of course) and I highly recommend it to anyone else who may be dealing with the same struggles in their marriage. I read recently that this time of year is the highest for divorce. The article didn’t say why, but when I look at the severe tension that has existed between myself and my husband during the past month or so it seems to me that something is in the air. Maybe it's the drop after the holidays, the stress of finances after the holidays, or maybe that we have all just been too cooped up during these cold, dragging winter months. Whatever the reason, I am brought to the realization that it is by the grace of God and the commitment that my husband and I have made to serving him fully in all of our endeavors that we have gotten to the almost 6 1/2 years of marriage we are at now. Without His direction and guidance regarding true love and His desire for us to complete the cycle of love and respect, plain and simple, we wouldn’t be together today. Finally, while some may not agree with me, I feel very strongly in letting my kids see my husband and me argue. It's not always pretty; sometimes they hear bad words, or mean, heart wrenching comments said out of anger, but every moment is a teaching moment. Our kids are human just like mom and dad. They will have a relationship one day and they will inevitably experience fighting with their spouse, or even just with a close friend. It is our job to teach our children that a fight does not mean it's the end. After an argument, when my husband and I have settled things we often take the time to speak with our children--well at least the two older ones who understand what we are saying. We talk about our weaknesses. We apologize to them as well as each other for our wrong-doing and we allow a not-so-nice situation to become an opportunity to teach our children humility, the act of coming back and seeking forgiveness when in the wrong, and the decision to forgive as well as why we are to forgive. We can’t shield our kids from every bad thing, but we can teach them how to make an effort in their relationships to improve themselves, to stop the crazy cycle, and maybe even how to keep it from starting. So that was my weekend in a nutshell. A kind of large nutshell, I guess. Some good, some bad, but I walk away with a renewed desire to not become complacent in marriage, to continue working on my own flaws, to become a better wife and mother, and to get all of those bonus things through the process of seeking further God’s will for my life. While it probably will not make my top 10 list of weekends, it was productive nonetheless. |
This space is reserved for Founder Mandy's perspectives and viewpoints of Scripture. Man is fallible, but God is not. It's strongly encouraged that you study the Scripture for yourself and allow the Holy Spirit to guide you in your understanding.
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November 2023
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