Life After Death

What God gave me through the loss of my baby and the birth of my son

Just a year ago as my {Lindsey} due date December 28th quickly approached the struggle was difficult to keep the holiday season joyful and light hearted. In fact the day we turned the calendar to the month of December things got real. The month that had once been covered with excitement and expectation was now filled with a sense of loss and a desire to hold something or rather someone who was missing from our lives. It is hard to believe that had my sweet baby had an earthly birthdate that we would be quickly approaching his/her 1st birthday. 

However, even during this time God’s grace was sufficient. His loving arms wrapped around my family and myself. We shared some truly joyous times and some times of sorrow. We had our times of laughing and our times of crying. The world went on and the healing continued slowly but surely.
Now here we are almost a full year later. My due date for our baby in heaven is getting closer by the day. There are times when I think of the things I had hoped for, the things it feels like I missed. The last little kicks in my tummy, the pain of labor, the joy delivery brings, the late night feedings, the sweet soft cuddles of a new born. First teeth, first words, first steps, lots of firsts and there are times when yes I mourn that loss. God, however, gave me at lease a glimpse of his big picture plan. 
Last spring about one month before the anniversary of finding out I was pregnant in 2013, I learned that once again there was a little one growing inside my womb.  I desired and dreaded this all at once. It seemed too close to the same experience I had the year before. I longed for and desired another baby, the baby I had dreamt about, the little boy whose life would be committed to the Lord and who would go onto do great things to further the kingdom. On the other hand I had come to terms with the fact that 2 miscarriages later, Avynne, might truly be our last. I had worked hard to remember as many lasts of hers as I could and to cherish the lasts and the firsts that were still to come with each of my children. Now here I was once again vulnerable to a loss that I wasn’t sure I was ready for. 

I remember listening to the song All of Me by Matt Hammitt several weeks into my pregnancy and determining that my belief that this sweet little baby growing inside of me was living from conception and that God had a purpose for him even if it ended up being a purpose I did not understand meant that I had to give him all of me.  My favorite line and the true sentiment of what that tear filled time of praise and worship in the car entailed is “Heaven brought me to this moment, it’s too wonderful to speak. You’re worth all of me, all of me. So let me recklessly love you even if I bleed. You’re worth all of me, all of me.” It truly was a peace and understanding that could only be heaven sent.  I resolved from that day forward to give my baby all of me despite my fears and the possibilities of disappointment. 

As the weeks pressed on this resolve was challenged often. The first sonogram, the second, the third, any time it took a minute to find my babies heart beat in the office emotions from the previous year would come flooding back and once again I would have to remind myself of my resolve and refocus my sight on my big picture God. Looking back on this time I believe that God gave me some beautiful insight into the days that Jesus body lay in the tomb.  The turmoil, the lack of understanding, the doubt, and the fear that Jesus disciples, his family and his friends must have been having. I thought about Mary who had been given the savior of the world to love and care for who she had now watched die in the most excruciating of ways.  She had been promised a savior, but instead was dealing with death and loss and just a small piece of a very big puzzle.  As my arms remained empty for a year and a half I began to understand the turmoil Mary must have been experiencing during those days. I had truly understood my dream of my precious baby boy to be a sign and a promise of what was to come from God, and yet I was in the midst of loss. Why hadn’t He fulfilled His promise?  In much the same way I’m sure Mary was trying to figure out how her son who was now dead would be able to save anyone.

Even if Mary had any understanding or expectations regarding Old Testament prophecy, here she was still having to wait those agonizing 3 days to see if what she hoped for would truly come.  During my waiting period I clung to the verses Philippians 4:6-7 “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” I meditated on these words and lived by them for as I well knew my requests were not always in God’s plan, but according to this promise if I made them know to God through prayer and supplication with thanksgiving than I could surely be confident that the peace of God through Jesus would guard my heart and mind and prepare me for whatever was to come.

I am sure that no matter what the outcome of this pregnancy that this very peace would have held me together and taken me to where I was meant to be, but I am oh so grateful that on November 15, 2014 in a beautiful, unique, and treasured experience I was given the opportunity to take note of those last few kicks I could feel my baby make from within my womb. I spent moments and hours and days prior to my sweet little man’s arrival treasuring our lasts and awaiting our firsts. At 3:31 am on the 15th my little love Piersen was born.  My husband was able to deliver our son into this world, my mom, and oldest daughter were able to be a part of this beautiful miracle that is new life as well as my new midwife friend who is confident in the power that the name Yahweh holds. In this moment the joy that those who walked away from the empty tomb must have felt was absolutely evident in the room. Our little Piers, our little man who will be a rock, a foundation for God, our fulfillment of promise was alive, he was well. Just as we had praised Him in the storms of our previous year we now got to praise him in the realization of promises fulfilled. 

Through our new precious baby boy I have had the opportunity to understand the joy Mary experienced that very first night she held her sweet Baby Boy, the turmoil she felt at His loss and the Joy that she and the whole world for the rest of eternity get to experience ever since that 3rd morning. So this and every Christmas as we celebrate the birth of the Savior I will forever be grateful for the Grace filled lesson that Life after Death has given me in regards to the love my big picture God has for me. Love enough to intentionally give His son so that He can have you and me.


***CONGRATS TO BETHANY G! She is the wonner of yesterday's giveaway of Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggrichs! Bethany has been contacted via email. Thank you all for commenting!***

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