Just Being Honest
I'm sitting on my patio listening to the crickets in the distance. It's clear and 65 degrees here in Texas tonight and the breeze is just enough to stir my emotions.
For some reason ever since I was a little. little girl I have felt closest to God in these moments surrounded by nature. Sure I can hear the kids inside chattering to each other, the neighbor begging her dog to go potty, a distant plane readying for landing at a local airport, and traffic on a highway closeby, but I can also hear the silence; the stillness. I can hear time as it dances in these moments that surround me right now.
The familiar clackety-clacking of the keyboard creates an audible deep-breath sigh within me. I feel so at-home here, in this space where my feelings process and spray out across the screen. Blogging began over a decade ago for me. It was an escape. I was drowning in babies and diapers and responsibilites. I felt disconnected and inadequate, so I spilled my heart out into the Interwebs. Turns out it was one of the greatest things I have ever done.
Fast forward 12 years and life looks much different.
Those babies that I thought would never potty train are now 16, 15, and 13. The newborn is approaching 12 (next month!) and we've added 2 additional. They are (almost) 9 and 10.
And those days that I poured my heart out in digital form are long gone. Most nights I have a full night's sleep. No more middle-of-the-night feedings. Diapers are a distant memory and most (ha ha) are completely potty trained. Our oldest is practicing to get his driver's license. We're talking about colleges and future plans, Those days that I thought would never end are long gone, and in their place reside hazy memories.
That sweet (yet annoying at the time) older gentleman who stopped me in the grocery store one day (as I had 3 kids dangling off the shopping cart and one newborn poised precariously within) to say that "the days and nights are long, but the years are short" was right after all. It all went so fast. It's still going, I realize, but the days where I was their everything have passed. Now, instead of days longing for moments of peace and solitude, I talk myself down from the panic of worrying that I haven't done all I could to instill in them all that I should. My 15 and 16 year olds are making choices, living lives, and experiencing things that I may never know about. Have I done enough? Have I done too much? Do they know Jesus? Was I too forceful and chased them away?
These are all the types of things I used to share in this space...back when I blogged only as Suburban Stereotype. Now, this space is supposed to be more: more mature, more polished. But here I am pouring out my heart like I used to, And you know what? It feels right.
You see, the more I learn, the more degrees I add to my name, the more I realize that I will never truly know Him this side of Heaven. I will always have unanswered questions, unasked questions, misunderstood conclusions, wrong perceptions.
But what I do know--without a shadow of a doubt--is that He welcomes me, questions and misconceptions and all. And for that I am eternally grateful.
I have long tried to make this place one that seems polished, but I think there's beauty in the imperfect, the unpolished. Impolished perfection. That's what we are. Only through the blood of Christ are we made perfect. We are sinful and imperfect--impolished. But through Him and His grace we are polished, made perfect. I am so, so grateful for a place to pour out my heart to Him and to you. I feel like someone understands this tonight.
May we never try to be anything other than what God intends for us to be.
May we never stop sharing our hearts because we fear we aren't "put together" enough.
This space is reserved for Founder Mandy's perspectives and viewpoints of Scripture. Man is fallible, but God is not. It's strongly encouraged that you study the Scripture for yourself and allow the Holy Spirit to guide you in your understanding.
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