It Was Never About Me: Meet My Jesus

I've struggled for years.

20 years ago I watched my first leading women's Bible study teacher on video and said to myself, "I want to do that." I saw her drive and passion and I soaked up her knowledge. She embodied so much of what I wanted in my life: A close walk with God, an energy and vigor that screams joy, and Scripture falling effortlessly from her lips. I knew I wanted it, but had no idea how to acquire it. 

At the time, I was a 20-something divorcee with a broken past. The distance between God and myself rivaled the Grand Canyon. I hadn't cracked open my Bible consistently in almost a decade, so the idea that I could stand on any platform, literal or figurative, and speak to women about anything of substance relating to God was laughable. Yet I felt the fire. Even though I was remarried to a man who professed to be agnostic and tolerated my faith at best, I still felt drawn to speaking for the Lord. 

Fast forward a few years and I was asked to lead worship for a women's Bible Study. You may assume that I have singing ability since I was asked to lead others in singing, but you'd be wrong. The Lord likes to remind me that He has a sense of humor. I faithfully led wordship for a season until my second marriage fell apart. Then I stepped away because I felt unworthy. I was divorcing--again--and the shame weighed me down so much that I couldn't imagine standing in front of these women and raising my voice to God when I felt so worthless. I'd completely lost the point of worship--to declare how good God is, not how good I am. 

I allowed that shame to silence me for years. I stepped away from church and tried to live a life that felt "right". That just left me feeling hollow. Even though I tried to leave Jesus, Jesus never left me. He'd called me and He'd claimed me and He doesn't let go of those He calls. He had a purpose and a passion for me that doesn't change simply because I deem myself unworthy. 

Since then, He's continued to call me. He's called me out of hiding. He's called me to lead a life of deliberate faith and bold transparency. It's always been scary, but now it's even more so with my current profession. Allowing myself to be seen by those with whom I work has made me wrestle with how much to share and whether to share at all. But I'm learning that God doesn't put us in the circles of influence He does so we can hide our light under a bush. I have to weigh and measure: Am I more afraid of offending someone at work or offending my God who calls me to be bold? Yikes.  

Over the past 3 years or so, every time I felt the momentum build for She Heard (formerly Deliberate Women) to grow and expand into something beyond a website or Facebook page, my dreams have been dashed when everything came to a screeching halt. I've picked up the pieces of my shattered dreams to write and speak more times than I care to share. I  shook my fist at God and demanded to know WHY He would place a dream on my heart and a passion in my soul only for it to crumble every time. I just kept hearing "Be Still..." which is no comfort at all when I'm raring to go. 

I've labored over topics to write about, struggling to nail down my theology when sharing with others. The verses in Ephesians 4 that say, "It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers..." (v 11) haunted me with that word "some" and "Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly" (James 3:1) echoed inside my head and scared the pants off of me. What if I wasn't being called to speak or teach? What if I was, but I was speaking or teaching in error? It was a vicious circle. I became somewhat paralyzed. And then one day while sitting in McDonald's with my sons, enjoying a quiet lunch with them--it hit me. Out of nowhere I felt the quiet words float down like a feather and land softly on my heart:

I've been searching so hard for something to write about, and speak about, digging deep to uncover nuggets in Scripture and to provide fresh revelation for others. I just now have come to realize that I'm not qualified to tell God's full story. Only He is. The only story I'm fully and uniquely qualified to tell is my own. All the years searching for the "meat" about God and here I was holding onto the message God meant for me to share all along, my story. And more specifically--how God has faithfully brought me through my story for my good and His glory. 

I don't perfectly parse Scripture or read the original Hebrew and Greek. I can't adequately explain how God created the earth, why He allows bad things to happen to good people or why tragedies take place in the world...but I can tell you this: Jesus died for me. He loves me, even at my worst and proves that to me over and over. He rescued me and freed me, even when I didn't know I needed it, wasn't looking for it, and didn't deserve it. He's spoken to me directly through soft whispers to my heart, messages shared through friends and music, and through His Word, the Bible. 

What I had toiled after and sought to my own exhaustion had been part of me all along. My "calling" or purpose isn't some evasive mythical notion, but the miracle of a Jewish Carpenter born to a virgin who healed the blind and the sick, enjoyed meals with society's outcasts, and stretched His innocent arms out on a wooden cross so men could pound giant nails through his flesh. For me. For you.

Ask me if I believe this and I will tell you, yes I do, with everything in me. 

I don't have to seek after "hidden truths" in the Bible or strive to be relevant. My mistake was in thinking it was about me or what I would do to reach people. It's never been about me or my efforts, though I've worked very hard to make it that way. 

I want to live out what Paul said in 1 Corinthians:

"For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified." 

I have a messy story, yes, but the parts that far over-shadow any of the messiness is the beauty of a Savior who bent down low to meet me in my darkest, lowest places. The deepest Truths revealed to me have been in the quietness of a sacred moment between Jesus and me and during the raging storms that I thought would take me under. But they didn't take me under because He was always there. And that's what I'd like to tell you about; how He meets me there, has always been there, and--I can confidently say--will always be there. Through those stories I want to share, I pray you come to know Him better and seek to hear His voice. 

I'm looking forward to sharing my Jesus with you. The Man who, I believe, whispered my name while He gave up His life on the cross. The man who is whispering yours even now. 

{Read more about Mandy HERE.}